i nearly lost someone today

A very dear friend and neighbor of mine tried to kill himself today. Had I not been at work when his mother called, frantic, knowing I have a key to his house, I would have been the one to find him. Not getting me, she called the police and they had taken him to the hospital before I got home. When I got her message after work, I was unable to reach her, so I went to his house.

He has made suicide attempts before, and I cannot describe how I felt going through his house, wondering at the threshold of every room, each closet, whether I would find him or not. It was horrifying. I found his glasses on his bedroom floor. I didn’t know if had a spare. He’s a slob, but nobody leaves glasses on the floor. That’s when I knew. And I still had most of the house to check. I love him, or I would never, never have had the guts to do it.

I arrived at the hospital before his mother, who was a hour away in an assisted living facility and had to arrange a ride. I was allowed into his room, but he was (and still is) unconscious. I stood at the foot of his bed, waiting for his mother. I could not hold his hand and speak to him. My thoughts became gridlocked. I know my friend and his pain and issues well. I have also been through periods of deep depression and understand how that feels. I believe people have a right to end their own lives. I understand through experience and inference that suicide is the ultimate selfish act. Being caught up in this situation gave me another perspective on this selfishness.

Not only his selfishness — and the circumstances he created which I’ll leave unsaid made it very acute — but my own. It took only an hour before I began wrestling with my anger at him (surely he knew there was a high probability it might be me that would find him), my feelings of betrayal, my hurt that he never reached out to me (then feeling guilty that I also was relieved that he didn’t, so I didn’t have to feel “responsible” for what happened), and finally feeling overwhelmed with how to deal with the aftermath. He’s in serious condition in a critical care unit. We don’t know yet how he will be physically, much less mentally.

I was both drained and keyed up when I got home to my empty house. My husband went to visit his family for the week — I stayed home to catch up on a lot of work before we leave on vacation in 10 days. I don’t really celebrate Christmas anyway, so this wasn’t a big deal to me. But it was difficult not having him here. After I talked to him, I called my own family. Things have been very difficult with them for quite awhile, another reason I was home alone. But I had already decided I would call to wish them a merry Christmas. Unfortunately, despite telling them what had happened since they know my friend, I was hit with some very unpleasant and distressing shit. It’s a situation I don’t know exactly how to resolve, but it has the potential to do serious damage to my way of life, as well as our relationships. I recall some little ditty that likens a broken relationship being like fine china: when it’s broken it can be mended, but the crack is always there. We’re at that point already. I can almost see the china plate wobbling at the edge of a tall object, poised to fall and shatter.

Well, I haven’t written too many self-indulgent posts like this, but I needed to unload. I hope everyone reading this had a much better Christmas than I did.